LNL Agony Uncle

Dear LNL,

I suppose I should have taken more interest when my wife told me she intended to "vajazzle" her "v'jay-jay", but then I didn't know what the hell she was talking about. But lord alive, she's had it done and it looks like the ruddy Blackpool illuminations down there. I swear to you, its got flashing lights and would probably play a tune if you poked it in the right place. I may be old fashioned, but I think such a contrivance would look a little vulgar on a nubile 23-year-old woman from Essex. But my wife is 86, and we live in Harrogate. How can I persuade her to have it decommissioned? 

Arthur, Harrogate

LNL: Arthur, suffer your discomfort and tell her not only to keep it, but to open it to the public. I think its exactly what Harrogate needs and could potentially attract far more tourists than Harry Ramsden's Tearoom. Look at what Mother Shipton's Cave has done for nearby Knaresborough, and all she had was a few calcified bottles and teddy bears dangling down. Tourists swarm in by the coachload, and all at six quid per person (although under-fours get in free, I understand). And the truth is that while it is indeed a little vulgar on some young woman from Essex, it is rather bold and becoming on a pensioner from Harrogate.